Peter Dinklage: MS Fantasy

1 Oct

It’s not what you think


Yesterday I was laying on the couch prepping for an early afternoon PredniComa™** wondering what I would do for the next couple of hours if my brain couldn’t shut it’s pie hole long enough to let me sleep.

These are the options I considered:

  • Watch Television – this seems reasonable, but for whatever reason I hate having the TV on before say 6 pm on a weekday (barring daytime Yankee games).
  • Read – the obvious choice right?  But, keep in mind the physical exhaustion that comes with the PredniComa™ limiting the ability and desire to hold a book for an extended period of time.  Not kidding.  I have a Nook – which kicks significant ass – but that too has it’s limitations for the kind of long term reading I would require.
  • Surf the Interwebs – seriously, this is all I do when I am researching and writing.  Its not a solution.  And, it would mean I have to have the computer laying on me.  God forbid my numb thorax be put through it.
  • Stare

As quickly as I could, I began staring.

Laying on my right side facing the coffee table and the boob I started wondering if anyone anywhere made a contraption that allows sideways reading? You know, like those weird little book tables you take to bed when you hit 40?  If there were such things I would prop it up in front of my couch-laying face and proceed to read, flipping pages with one of my (long) knitting needles so as not to have to move too much.  But that just seemed too out there – too much to hope for.

Then it hit me:  Peter Dinklage

At about 4.5 ft. tall, Peter Dinklage could stand (or perch on the side of the coffee table – his choice) and hold a book of my choosing sideways while I read.

I massaged this fantasy, stroked it like a newborn cub.

What would I offer Mr. Dinklage to eat? Does he have any dietary restrictions?  We have a new, single serve coffee maker, I could brew him some Donut Shoppe or Cafe Mocha.  Maybe he’s a tea drinker?  What would he be wearing?  Sweats?  Moccasins? Would he do me a solid and show up in his Game of Thrones wear?

Oh Please, God Yes!

Peter and I would agree on terms – maybe 5 minutes here or there to go smoke on the stoop or for potty breaks.  He would have to secure a 1990’s beeper (to be worn at all times like the lead cardiac surgeon at NYU) so he could be at my home within 5 – 10 minutes of PredniComa™ onset.  There would be negotiations for extra time to just sit and chat.

I think PD is the bees knees.  I know he would feel the same about me and this unique opportunity.  We would retain co-rights to any sitcom that gets picked up by Comedy Central as a result of our partnership.  Peter could be played by Michael J. Anderson of Twin Peaks and I could be played by a young Cloris Leachman:


      Peter                                                        Me

** PredniComa™:   The state of being completely, physically exhausted on the couch (or bed) but mentally wide-goddamnned-awake


3 Responses to “Peter Dinklage: MS Fantasy”

  1. TCM October 1, 2011 at 11:35 pm #

    Okay, so you’ve managed the mechanics of book leverage/page-turning. But the cruel irony of the PredniComa is that, whilst being physically incompacitated, one is also rendered mentally hyperactive, thus making the act of “attending” to written material utterly impossible. Stick with staring. The results are priceless. (Apologies to PD, who is fabulous.)

    • akopsa October 2, 2011 at 2:56 am #

      Staring it is m’lady. I swear to God my brain is swimming like a mo’fo in a fog soup. It be crazy in here….

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